matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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