I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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