I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
