if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
