I'm gonna have a badass scar
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
