walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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