one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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