Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Everyone says I win the strip club
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Randomize
