so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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