I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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