there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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