Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He? As in you personified your dick?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
