I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
