I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
