If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
This baby is an asshole
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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