MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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