Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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