All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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