i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Is it because I queefed?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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