I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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