if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
