it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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