Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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