Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
