I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize