Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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