The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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