ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
