just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
