with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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