Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize