i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
