You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
