I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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