I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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