If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize