I should be sponsored by Trojan
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
