remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
