I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
