I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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