I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i barfeds in our rink
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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