before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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