i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
