I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
