Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize