pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My feet surprised me
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