if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
