Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
