This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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