Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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