i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
