Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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