so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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