insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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