i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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