hotel room ftw
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
