While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
