You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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