I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
