you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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