ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
