why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i think my cat just said my name.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
