my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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