At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
