No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
