My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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