I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
