I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He shit in the fireplace
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
