Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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