They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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