So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
