i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
